Loving Me or Loving Love?

How many of us who are happily immersed in a new relationship even dare to question their partner’s expression of love? My guess is that very few do. Most, I believe would prefer to bask in the glory of fresh love and simply take it at face value, no questions asked. Most would choose to ignore the warning signals in favor of being in love and more importantly, being loved. So who then, are the men and women who raise this doubt? Are they the ones who possess an exceptionally keen sense of intuition, or simply the ones who have trouble blocking out the subtle sound of alarm bells ringing softly, yet steadily in their brains? And what exactly triggers these alarms to go off?

Based on my 21 years of experience as a dating service counselor and consultant, as well as my personal past, I have learned what signs to take heed of before losing yourself in what you believe to be love. Below, I’ve listed 3 major indicators of one who’s head over heels in love with love:

First and foremost, your new love interest declares his/her feelings of affection for you only 2 weeks (or disconcertingly less) after your first date. And when I say “feelings of affection,” I do mean the “L” word. Is it really possible to love someone you barely know? Not really. You can be infatuated with someone, truly enjoy their company and like them immensely, but authentic love takes time to develop as you really get to know one another deeply. Of course there are no absolute time frames to apply because every situation is different. However, a good guideline to keep in mind is 4 to 6 months of exclusive dating. By then, some of the newness of the relationship has worn off and you are both feeling freer to be who you really are, instead of constantly being on your best behavior. Flaws begin to come out of hiding and opinions get expressed a bit more liberally. The “me too” and “I agree” phase slowly transforms into “not particularly” and “I don’t really feel that way.” We either come to realize that we accept the other’s differences or we begin to question whether or not there are too many incompatibilities to move forward. Anything wonderful in life usually does not happen quickly and this does apply to falling in love. Don’t rush this process, but savor it instead.

Next, your home starts to become their home before you know it. Though this may sound suspiciously female, I’ve found many men guilty of this home invasion as well. Just after the first or second sleep over, ancillary items are left at the other’s residence. A toothbrush, articles of clothing, power tools, a blow dryer, their favorite pillow and occasionally their puppy! This person is trying to solidify the relationship by rushing its progress. This behavior can feel suffocating. No matter how much someone seems to respond to you at first, most do not want to feel hurried or pressured into commitment. This process needs to flow gently and naturally until feelings of commitment are mutually reciprocated. Just remember that the destination is worth the travel time.

Finally, your significant other wants you to meet their family after only dating for a short time. Again, acceptable time frames for this delicate procedure do vary, but it is safe to say that if you have been dating for less than 2 months, it’s too soon to get the seal of approval from the folks. I reflect back to when I was in my mid 20’s and dating a new man who I was excited about, but terribly unsure of at the same time. I decided that on our third date, we should stop by my mother’s just to say hello since it was on the way to the party we were headed to. My mom, being the gracious hostess that she is, had a platter of hors d’oeuvres and drinks ready accompanied by an array of questions for this new guy in my life. He responded with short and quiet answers, little emotion and obvious discomfort with the whole situation. Now, I’m not suggesting that is why our relationship failed shortly thereafter, but it was definitely a contributing factor. Looking back, I believe that because of my uncertainties with this particular man, I overcompensated and tried to push him into a “relationship” before it was ready to be one. Like a fine wine, a relationship needs time to mature on its own in order to be fully appreciated.

Those who can relate to any of my examples could have the loving love syndrome. Some people are so excited by the idea of love, that they barrel ahead focusing less on the object of their desire and more on desire itself. It’s easy to get caught up in the euphoric highs of infatuation and confuse it with true love. Take your time, get to know someone well, be aware of the warning signs within yourself and the person you’re dating. Let the natural flow happen without forcing it. I have learned that when it’s really right, you don’t have to constantly second guess motives. It is perfectly fine to love being in love, just make sure you genuinely love the person first!